This is over I suppose - for now, at least

So with all the long hours of studying, learning, testing -- which by the way I did very well on my PLT 7-12 test a miracle really given how tired I was, praise God -- and grading and teaching, comes a final conclusion. A decision made during the most difficult of hours when it was tough to know what to do, when there were negatives and positives on either side making either choice difficult ... 'decide by 8am tomorrow'... so a resignation letter was sent. A phone call was made. All the tests (for which I studied hard and praise God passed) and training and licensure steps disappear, unless I want to again I either find another non traditional program to pick it up soon.. but if want to teach K-12 public school again, one would need to start again. But a lot was gained.

 Then the student's tests, the long nights of pushing to the end and grading, the end of year parties, the goodbyes, the hugs, the cleaning out the classroom... Now all that remains is to finish a long overdue portfolio and a Professional Growth plan that may or may not be accepted, and continue looking for the next thing.

 I finish this year with more questions than answers. A lot of stress and personal mistakes. Very tired and exhausted, frankly worn out in so many ways. A lot learned both in and out of the classroom. But I have learned a lot and gained a lot, and hopefully given a lot too. There is a lot of the experience that I loved and the people that I enjoyed and therefore which made the choice hard. Several students did tell me they would miss me and appreciated some aspects of my being their teacher, and that means a lot to me. I gave what I could, tried to be loving & kind but firm when needed, thought inventive and creative in projects when I could, kept going at least when it was hard. If I had stayed, I would have in an ideal world with no financial or time restrictions, wanted to make my classes function and be based around labs and build the lessons off of that in real world ways.

 Did I do good here? I think so. Should I have come? I do not know and yet.. In the long run, I think that despite some other things that I feel I failed at personally this year, the choice to come down here and teach and try to do good was a good one in principle. And I learned a lot, grew a lot, and gave a lot. And I didn't fail at teaching or my job; in fact though there were iffy times, I did pretty well for me I think. I was given a lot of good advice & told I was a good teacher, had a lot of good things I did do in my classroom & with the kids, was offered to sign for next year, and with more support, professional development, different choices, training and/or a different setting or age that it could go from good to great. It was a tough choice. Now what?

 I guess that ends this blog. I appreciate all your support, encouragement, and everything through this year. Without it, I am sure I would not have made it through. There were some really tough times. Things never look like we think they will, but they always teach us something and we gain something through them. Thank you again so much for your encouragement. I made it through the first year of teaching, which I have heard is the hardest, and a long way from family and people I knew in an area I didn't know. Even though I don't understand so much about Him and didn't always turn to Him as much as I could have, I know God was often faithful and kind and helping me in the classroom and daily and with the kids - especially to have patience & wisdom & kindness & daily strength. :) The notes of encouragement meant so much to me. I have to fight the feeling it & my work was all a waste, but I know no good intention or deed is, and that at least now I have this experience and some training which I can utilize in many types of jobs, including other teaching settings if so desired. There is more good yet to come! :)

 Blessings and thank you all! <3

December-January: Still here

It is January. It is January? It is January! It is January...

Reflections

It is difficult to teach when students do not respect the teacher or the process. How can that desire to learn and that respect be created? How can it be built if destroyed or not there? How can there be positive, focused behavior while the students still feel interested but are not off task or disrespectful? How can a teacher remain focused, upbeat, and creative when there is so much to do and so much to be discouraged about? How can a teacher silence side conversations which are directly disrespectful to the teacher and the learning process? 

I frequently have more questions than answers. Some people try to help too much sometimes or pressure too much or get frustrated with me easily. I work best when I have some guidance and then space to work. I have been quite discouraged. It would be nice if I'd had more pre-work training and shadowing or on the job training, and more in my subject area and in the NewTech style. Then I could copy the actions of a master teacher until I get those down, and then play around with and add or change it to my own style. Maybe I can do something about that though by visiting other teacher's classrooms and with other teachers. One ATC meeting we had was about being ourselves as teachers. At the time it was very discouraging, but now I think that this general idea could be very helpful to me in the next few months. Also, perhaps I can try to practice what has gone well.

Classroom management- It isn't simple. I would like a simple list of things to do that would make the classroom run smoothly, receive and give respect but mostly have the students' respect so that they can learn, allow me to communicate the content to students, get my grading done, figure out what to do about all the other paperwork that we had to do for the beginning of the year, and not go crazy. I do not know how to show them to work in quiet voices and help them stay on task and in their seats when they are working on projects during group work time. Again, I can try to reflect on and practice what has gone well, and read, learn, observe, and then practice what I can.

Grading is a large item, but if there are not large daily grades then the students play. I am trying to review the work with the students; they do not usually cooperate well enough for that to work effectively, but I am going to keep trying different ways to learn the concepts and connect them to projects. They complain about book work since we are in a project-based academy, but I do not know how else to get them the concepts in a fuller format. A combination of the two is what I am going for, but they easily loose sight of how they go together and what we are really learning in class. I plan to try concept maps for my two classes.

There are positive things. My mentor has switched to using a positive language critique. I had a mostly positive review by ATC on a drop in, which tells me I am doing something right. My Biology kids seemed really interested in making the DNA models I had them turn last Tuesday. I'm trying notes for workshop time again and the students pay more attention during that time. Some things have gone right in the past and I can try to do those again.

My life

I stay up late. I am stressed a lot, but this weekend took some time out for even a few hours which helped. I have a 6 month old half-lab male puppy, although I might need to find him another home where the owner has time for training, as he is a wonderfully lovable, but high-energy little fella that could be trained for canine work of some sort. I would like to set up a GoFundMe account so that I can request some assistance from private individuals with my student loans and certification exams since I am working in a high-need area with an alternative program, but have not decided on the wisdom of doing so. In general, I hope to try to do my best until the end of May. What then? I do not know.

At present, I do have plans to look again for a church and/or community to be a bit involved in so that I do something other than work, possibly in Texarkana, and I hope for a roommate. I also have been able to visit friends recently and appreciate those opportunities. I am thankful that I was partly reimbursed for a few work related expenses and received gift cards and gifts from family. I am thankful for the opportunities of Christmas to celebrate the season, have a change of tasks, give and receive, and be with fun and amazing people who I know.

I do not discount teaching as not for me completely. But I am seriously considering not doing this current thing in the near future, especially as the school moves to all Career-based Academies. But I want to do well while I am here. I also need to pull my focus out of my own situation and look around me to see the bigger picture here at the school and other people's stories.

The people

I have some students who have really made progress. Other students seem to have given up on the NewTech process. I don't blame them, quite honestly. A few transferred out to 'regular school' at semester due to this frustration, others were transferred out by administration due to behavioral issues and grades. Some students have improved their relationship and interaction with others and myself, while there are still a few who don't seem to care. When I sit and compare with how they were at the beginning of the year, it is those who have a lot of growth or growth in one area that make me smile. 

There are students who are going through a lot, and from whom I have learned a lot. There are others that are just a joy to talk to and to know. There are other teachers and staff here that have made this job sometimes even fun, such as one fellow teacher doing a cookout on campus the last day before Christmas with his students, or Wednesday afternoon "Art" sessions with the school counselors, a student-free fun time to be freely creative with other teachers.

I kind of have given up on finding a church in town. Perhaps I will trade off locations and visit in town one week and Texarkana another. I am really missing people closer to my age and in similar life stages and am hoping that I can find people my age or closer in Texarkana.

Conclusions for now... 

I am not sure it is the thing for me to stay here next year, but I do not want to give up on it totally.  I don't know what I would do... what Career Academy I would fit in, who I would 'be' as a teacher or outside of school, or what would become of the rest of my life. I'm here for the kids... but if I am not me enough in this position or enjoying it enough to be able to be the best of what they need and "be" here totally, then I am not able to be.

Brainstorming and working on what is next job-wise can be discouraging and distracting. It must be set aside for now or a smaller part of my life so that I can do my current tasks and learning well. It is important for me to not let it become so large as to distract from my responsibility here at Hope schools. This is where I am, and this is where my students need me to be mentally while my physical being is here at this location.